October 16, 2016

Brand new album, same old Gaga

Lady Gaga has finally announced what her fans were dying for since they first heard the garbage that was ARTPOP: a new solo album.


The album is titled Joanne, after her late aunt, and what we’ve seen so far of this album seems to be more of the same old Gaga that we already know: overdone, messy, and directionless. In her own words
“As I returned to my home life and spending time with my friends and family and getting out of the mainstream limelight for a minute, the experiences of our family and our challenges that make us who we are.”
 Umm… what?

The album’s lead single, Perfect Illusion, has only been out a few weeks, but it’s already struggling hard to stay on the charts. It debuted at a lukewarm #15 (even with her Little Monsters promoting it like crazy by pretending to be a bunch of soccer moms requesting the song at every radio station they could possibly tweet at) and it’s been falling steadily ever since. 

Worst still, the second single off the album, Million Reasons, hasn’t even gotten any airplay at all. One reviewer, upon hearing it, simply said, “This era is shaping up to be even worse than I imagined.”

I have a feeling that statement is going to be repeated over and over again by a lot of people over the next few months. 

With its flopping singles and weird, cheap-looking Dive Bar Tour, the Joanne era looks like it’s shaping up to be a disaster already.

Some sources speculate that since this is Lady Gaga’s last contractual album with Interscope, the label isn’t bothering to do anything to help promote it, which is why the two lead singles are failing… but that sounds, to me, like yet another excuse being made for someone whose entire career so far has been nothing more than... well, a delusion.

Joanne will be released in just a few days on October 21st.

I would warn everyone to cover their ears, but judging by the radio play of the first two singles so far, you probably won’t need to bother.

February 20, 2016

Lady Gaga Lends Support to Kesha

After losing her battle to be let out of her contract with Sony, Kesha garnered the support of Lady Gaga. Kesha is facing a lengthy battle with the record company after allegedly being drugged and sexually assaulted by music producer Dr. Luke shortly after her 18th birthday. Kesha was still a virgin at the time.  Apparently to this pig, rape is OK after a girl becomes legal.  

Oh you mean the same Lady Gaga who worked with filth bags R Kelly and Terry Richardson? How fitting.

Gaga's Self Indulgent Bowie Tribute

If Bowie could, he'd reach down from Mars and slap Caca across the face for her Las Vegas tribute act to him at the Crappy Grammy Awards.  It took me a little longer than I wanted to get around to writing this post.  Mainly because I was hesitating to watch.  I didn't want my mind to associate Bowie with Caca.  I knew exactly what Gaga's performance was going to be like and I was right.  It was not a tribute.  It was an Elvis Presley-on-steroids-does-Bowie impersonation.

The "tribute" was more about Caca than it was about Bowie.  But then again, this is Caca we're talking about so color me shocked.  Instead of focusing her act on the man of honor, it was more about Caca showcasing herself.  From the hair color, facial expressions, clothes, and complete with a low register, baritone voice, Caca crammed a bunch of Bowie songs into a few minutes which took away from the genius of Bowie and instead focused on her.  The entire performance was ridiculous and smelled of stale cheese.  Caca was more Liza Minnelli than David Bowie.

Instead of playing Halloween dress up, wouldn't it have been better if Caca picked one Bowie song and sang the hell out of it?  Wouldn't it have been better if she sang it as Gaga and not as a Bowie impersonator?  

Gaga desperately wants to be regarded as Bowie-esque.  The truth is that Bowie didn't really want anything to do with her.  Instead of being authentic (yeah that word doesn't really pertain to Caca), Gaga's tribute was more like an overzealous fan with an identity crisis; right down to the Bowie tattoo she added to her body.  I'm sure Bowie loves his new home under Caca's flapjacks.

But, there are no reviews of Gaga's act that will ever match up to one glorious tweet! A tweet that was birthed from worthy fingertips and came forth like a phoenix rising from the ashes, from none other than Duncan Jones, Bowie's son.

What "it" is, is the Oxford dictionary definition of gaga.  Take a bow Duncan.  That was brilliant.

I'm not going to post Gaga's Vegas act here.  Instead, I'm going to show you what a real tribute looks like.  No bells and whistles.  No clown suits or a self indulging mess.  Just pure, raw talent and one quality Caca does not have, integrity.  Here's none other than the late, great David Bowie, paying tribute to another legend, John Lennon.


February 9, 2016

Modern Art is Complete Crap!


Modern art is a pile of steaming horse shit and only pretentious douche canoes think it's some monumental museum pièce de résistance worthy of reverence.  Just ask Lady Gaga.  She would know.  If anyone made modern art even more insufferable and shitty than it already is, it's that annoying, over processed tow-head.  Her attempt to make art pop...or is it pop art?  Or is it art fart? Wait, isn't that something Warhol already did?  Anyway, her attempt to give it credibility was entertaining at best and at worst, mocking the intelligence of us common folk with 20/20 vision.

Modern art is for people whose heads are too small to contain their gigantic egos.  Modern art is designed for the least artistic people.  Don't believe me?  I'm not very artistic. I can draw a little and that's about it.  I create art with my mouth every time I fling a sarcastic remark in someone's direction.  But even I, a very inartistic person, is a master at modern art.  It took me a whole seven minutes to put this refuse together.  MOMA, get a room ready for me!

In this masterpiece, I put my headphones over my lint shaver.  I call it "Shave the Noise".

This little gem is a sock with a dog on it eating a dog treat.  I call it "Pointless".  Then there's this one. My magnum opus!  My Born This Way!  My hat on my toilet!

I call this one "Shit Head".

Do you know who else modern art is for?  Stupid people.  Yes, stupid people; because only stupid people would blow thousands, no, millions of dollars on garbage that just took me seven minutes to put together by grabbing random items around my apartment.  

Yet, people like Caca walk around thinking their shit smells like roses.  People like her are the type of people that bang on a canvas, stain it with their body juice and sell it on Etsy.  People like her are the type of people that are uncomfortable in situations where they are not the center of attention. People like her are the type of people that use large words to sound highly intelligent in a Palin-esque word salad that usually leaves most more confused.  People like her believes that they are so special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people.  People like her are the type of people that take themselves way too seriously and therefore have a grandiose sense of self-importance.  And finally, people like her are usually the type of people that earn, deserve and get this type of reaction.

DiCaprio deserves an Oscar just for this moment alone.

January 10, 2016

Lady Gaga Fucks for Peace. Terrorists Put Down Weapons.

A miracle has happened!!  Terrorists the world over have laid down their weapons.  ISIS is putting a halt to all beheadings immediately.  The NRA hangs their head in shame as they finally support measures of gun control. Would-be mass shooters suddenly acquired a conscience and have turned themselves in before shooting up a theater or school.  All thanks to Lady Caca!  Okay so not really.   Apparently though, Gaga and her side-douche Taylor Kinney think that taking the world's most farcical selfie after bonking on a canvas  and forcing the entire planet to retch in their afterglow is going to inspire world peace.  

For reasons that are completely lost among most of the population, Caca was asked to be the guest editor for V Magazine pre-Spring issue.  An issue that will cost a whopping $50.00 and completely worth it by the way (barf).  All profits will go to the Scam Born This Way Foundation.  Lady Xerox chose the cover to be a post-coital vomit inducing snapshot of her and side-douche Kinney.  Using the most pompous and contrived word puke known to man,  Caca had this to say:

“We made love on this canvas on a Sunday in Chicago. We made love amidst chaos. We talked about shootings. We made love amidst terrorism. And we talked about how people’s hearts are also suffering all over the world as they watch and witness a swell of violence. We made love amidst violence.

I could not complete the covers of this issue without relinquishing one to an important cause. Taylor and I talk all the time about our unique existence on this earth. How can we use our creativity to heal people? Since we first met, Taylor’s been painting and drawing all over me. Years ago, when we were secretly living in San Diego and crashing on the floor of a beach shack, we never wore shoes. He told me he wanted to make love to me on a canvas. And though he made many murals on my body in the wee, small hours of our stoked, gypsy mornings with our friends, for whatever reason we never got around to it.”

What? Shut up. Unique existence?  I don't have enough eyes to roll at this schmaltzy babble that's completely bereft of authenticity.  Have you ever seen two people so lost in their narcissism that they couldn't find their ass if you gave them a map?  Caca is the most contrived, phony, pseudo specimen to come out of the rat's nest since Milli Vanilli and we're quite possibly watching the longest episode of Faking It.  

December 11, 2015

Lady Gaga nominated for a Golden Globe

Lady Gaga has just been nominated for a Golden Globe award for her work as “The Countess” in American Horror Story: Hotel, even though…

Reviewers at Rotten Tomatoes seem to think Horror Story is the worst season of AHS yet:

Ratings for the show have been dropping consistently every single week since the premiere (except one week, which was stagnant):

Week 1 - 5.807 million viewers
Week 2 - 4.061 million viewers
Week 3 - 3.202 million viewers
Week 4 - 3.045 million viewers
Week 5 - 2.867 million viewers
Week 6 - 2.637 million viewers
Week 7 - 2.637 million viewers
Week 8 - 2.310 million viewers
Week 9 - 2.142 million viewers

And reviews of her performance in the show haven’t even been that favourable.

Most sources, if they even say anything about her at all, only seem to talk about her presence in the show, not her actual skill as an actor. Who cares if she’s “gloriously photographed”? Who cares if she “fits in”? Who cares if she has “star power”? What we should be seeing is her talent (or lack thereof). Isn’t that the whole point? If we wanted to see Lady Gaga play Lady Gaga, we’d watch one of her nauseating interviews or go to one of her boring concerts!

Entertainment Weekly seems to be hinting that the only reason she was nominated for the award at all was because her star power was needed for an award-show ratings boost:
"Lady Gaga was nominated because the HFPA wants her at the awards show for her American Horror Story: Hotel performance."
Variety is calling her nomination a surprise too, and doesn’t even hint at the real reason they think she’s been nominated. They just come right out and say it:
“No offense to Gaga’s glam turn as a vampy seductress on the most gonzo installment to date of FX’s anthology series “American Horror Story,” but awards buzz for her work hasn’t exactly been deafening. It’s classic Golden Globes to nominate her—since her attendance at the show will made headlines and bring in viewers.”
The NY Post is straight-up calling her nomination a rival for one of the awards’ all-time WTF moments, calling her performance on the show “stilted” and also stating:
“…it’s clear that the HFPA nominated her because they want her star power at the show.”
“If Lady Gaga wins, it will be a joke.”

 Well, get ready to laugh, people. Because regardless of all the stuff I just showed you above...


I’m still predicting a win.

 The awards air on January 10th, 2016. 

November 5, 2015

We're yelling 'timber'!

Now it's time to talk about Lady Gaga's newest project, American Horror Story: Hotel.

While it may have started off strong, the ratings have been going down, down, down the past few weeks.

By the numbers:
Week 1 – 5.807 million viewers
Week 2 – 4.061 million viewers
Week 3 – 3.202 million viewers
Week 4 – 3.045 million viewers
Week 5 – 2.867 million viewers

It looks like a pretty steady decline... but that's not all. 

According to Headline Planet, it seems that this has been the lowest rated ‘episode 5’ of any of the previous seasons of the show.

Season 1 (Episode 5) – 2.745 million viewers
Season 2 (Episode 5) – 2.779 million viewers
Season 3 (Episode 5) – 3.799 million viewers
Season 4 (Episode 5) – 4.220 million viewers
Season 5 (Episode 5) – 2.867 million viewers

Notice how every season saw an increase in viewership for episode five except this one?

It’ll be interesting to see where this ends up going, especially since Gaga’s been nominated for a People’s Choice Award (Favorite Sci-Fi/Fantasy TV Actress) for her role in the show.

Luckily for Lady Gaga, the award is not based on skill or merit.